"Quiet".

This year in general I have been spending a lot of time in the quiet, trying to define myself. I've been trying to sum up by beliefs, list my likes and dislikes, and define my personality. What I have learned is that I've been going about this the wrong way. Instead of trying to define myself and be it, I should be being myself and getting to know myself that way. I have always considered myself to be an introvert, I find quiet time rejuvenating and I love to express creativity. I don't take many risks and I have to work myself up to try new things. I was absolutely born this way and I think that is why I was hurt when I was told, "If you want to be the best you can be, you should be aiming to be more extroverted on the spectrum". For the past eight months I have been striving to be more of an extrovert. I joined a dance class (which was incredibly out of my comfort zone), I have spent more time in social settings instead of study hall, and I overall I have just tried to be "more". But "more" is tiring, and spiritually exhausting. 

Truth be told, I'm content with quiet. I'm content saying nothing in class, I'm content sitting and being still at a rock concert, and I'm very content to be in a small space with a book for a long time. (I love road trips because of this). A few weeks ago a professor of mine, knowing this, was very quick to respond to me when I raised my hand. While others are keen to raise their hands and think out their speech while talking, I'm one to do a lot of thinking and editing before I spit out the final product. Six hands had already flown up in the classroom, but the professor turned to me and said, "I actually want to hear what Annie has to say, because she doesn't often speak out in class". I'm sure that the 6 other students were frazzled by this, because they had been waiting to talk, but as Ernest Hemingway says it's what you leave out that reinforces what is left in. 

In these past few months I have discovered what I like. 

I like quiet, but I still like being with people. I get energy from being around people, but also from the quiet. The best part of my march break was spent at my grandparent's house. Nan and I spent hours just sitting reading and writing in the quiet. Nothing had to be said, because it was just the way we like it...quiet. 

(Just now, my roommate came out and said, "It's really quiet in the apartment" and then turned on the radio.)

Why are people so uncomfortable with silence?

This is a question I have been asking for a long time, and it is also a question that was asked in a sermon this morning. The pastor gave us a gift, a time of silence. There was no rambling words, meaningless phrases, or silly sayings, just silence. 

If you also like the quiet, or want to get to know it, here are some resources you might enjoy:

• One of my favourite songs is written by John Cage and is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence. I encourage you to check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY7UK-6aaNA&feature=related
• A wonderful video done by Rob Bell in the Nooma series is a video called "Noise". http://www.youtube.com/watchv=PLOLZxMYcLU&feature=related
• And one of my favourite stories is of a professor that walked into class and sat in silence for ten minutes until his class got so uncomfortable that the room became very noisy. He then spoke about silence and how it is something to be embraced. 

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While walking through the local bookstore a certain book caught my eye. It is called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts" and is by Susan Cain. I spent the morning watching her TED talk, in which she speaks of the importance of being who you are, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert. 

My issue was not that I have been trying to define myself, I think that can be healthy if not over done. My problem was in the categories. I was trying to draw a line around my self and find a place for me in either the left or the right, but I just didn't fit. If we find that we simply do not fit where we are being forced, then maybe we need to make a new category. (Hello, Martin Luther!). I did some further research and found out about Anthroverts. 

-Anthroverts are type A personalities who are very competitive. (Hello, board games and contests)

-Anthrovert are introspective. (Hello, journal, and thinking)

-Anthroverts like old things, and interesting ideas. (Hello, retro and theology)

-Anthroverts find self acknowledgement and completion of goals important. (Hello, knowing me, and life list)

-Anthroverts are lost without goals, have have a  privacy zone of about 5'11". (Hello, motivation, and space)

An anthrovert was the closest thing I could find to define my personality type, but it still isn't me. 

The more I got thinking, the more I realized exactly what I am.

I am an Annie-vert. 

We need to stop letting others define us, we need to acknowledged more than just black and white, and most of all we need to get to know ourselves. I spent the majority of my life having others tell me that I'm an introvert and that I need to embrace it. If you are like me and find yourself not quite fitting on the spectrum, maybe it's because you are on the wrong one. When we embrace who we are and not what others think we are, then and only then will we be able to be set free, and freedom is oh so sweet. 

The world needs both extroverts and introverts, 

but more importantly 

the world needs us exactly the way we are,
and the way we are meant to be.  

Today I added "Read Susan Cain's Quiet to my life list".