Blame Game

A few days ago I was looking through a brochure for the local Christian camp. I found a pretty large spelling mistake and instantly felt responsible. The thought "Ever since the summer I worked there, that place just wasn't as amazing as it seemed to be when I was a camper" flew through my mind. 

For a few years now I've been struggling with the thought that "everything gets worse once I help." Whether it was extracurriculars at school, school band, ministries at my church, events, everything seemed to just get worse as soon as I helped to lead these things. The only common factor was me.

When I started helping out with Student counsel it seemed that less and less people came to meetings and it was just unable to reach the school. When I joined the church's worship team, it seemed to sound worse.

My first time attending the local high school youth rally as a university student it just seemed to have really declined since I participated as a student, and I really blamed myself for this...and I'm not even a leader for it. I was blaming the lower attendance and low enthusiasm on my presence.

I've been having a really hard time feeling that I'll never measure up to the past leaders, and this feeling is especially present with my job at the church. We've had two wonderful youth pastors since I've been there, and now that I'm here in the office, I've realized just how big these shoes are to fill.

Once and a while I'll get a wave of "I'm going to make improvements! I'm going to do Big things here!" But seconds later that dreaded feeling of incompetence sets in.

-Maybe I see things failing because there is a generation shift.

-Maybe I'm seeing things as "worse" when I should be seeing them as "different".

-Maybe it's due to all of the technology and the less motivation in youth.

-Maybe it's because leadership training doesn't really exist.

But..
-Maybe it is because I have changed.
-Maybe I AM the common factor, and maybe that's not a bad thing.
-Maybe it means MY expectations are higher.
-Maybe it's because I am now on the inside of these activities.
-Maybe it's because I have started leading that I can see just how many faults there are.

Perhaps it's not all my fault.

wow. that felt good to say.

*deep breath*

I suppose it is like going to a play vs acting in one. Playing in a concert vs listening to one. When you are just there to enjoy it, you don't focus on all of the details. You don't realize when someone misses a line, or plays a wrong note, because you are not there holding the script or the score.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it is important to take time to delight in what we do and enjoy our efforts. It is important to make our own footprints and not look at the shoe size of our predecessors, and it is important to know that change is a good thing. Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine. 

Sincerely,

A perfectionist who will stop holding herself accountable for all of the world's faults.