So I finally admitted to myself that I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed: feeling like you have so much to do that you can't even get started.
Humbly I say that this is the first year of university that I feel challenged, and I'm not sure if I'm actually enjoying it. I'm enrolled in not five courses, but six; three of which are math/science based, one is a seminar course, and the other two are highly enjoyable. I should also mention that the majority of these courses give tests (which are not my strengths) in fact, I don't think I've written a substantial essay all term.... (paper writing is my strength). Also, these tests... ALL happen in the same weeks as one another. One week in October, one week in November, and one week in December. (Oh and during these crazy weeks some of these tests are all on the same day.) I should also mention that I've been sick for two weeks.
Isn't fourth year the year when you're supposed to be living life up, and cruising through to your degree? Well not for me. I can't seem to get ahead in any class, let alone in all of the applications. Every moment of everyday I have a huge weight on my shoulders that says, "you should be further along on those Education applications, Missy!" I can't count the number of nights I've woken up in a panic over those dreaded applications. I feel like I'm drowning. After every test and assignment the only thought I have is, "just get through the next one". Sometimes I get so bogged down that I just don't do anything. I often have the mentality that if I can't give 100% to something, then I won't do it at all, and that's no way to live. I feel like I'm running full speed on a treadmill, you know, sweating a lot, keeping up, but not actually getting anywhere. Oh, that reminds me, I haven't had time to go to the gym in 3 weeks. I really enjoy the gym. Dear Annie, make time for the gym, you miss it. On top of everything, I have the invitation to worry about finances, because graduation is anything but affordable. I'm doing my best to resist the temptation of buying a school ring, a specialized diploma frame, and all the other money grabbing extras.
Is this how people live? Do other people feel this overwhelmed in everyday life? If so, I am empathetic. This weekend I learned to keep breathing. I was reminded that tasks can be broken down into smaller tasks, and I discovered that there are some seasons of life that will just be hectic. It is in these hectic times that we can find inner peace, and though I haven't quite found it yet, I've been making progress. I made a list. I really like lists, but instead of a To Do list (which I have 3 of), I made a list of practical things I can do to make accomplishing my To Do lists more bearable manageable fun! I don't want to miss out on life. Fourth year is flying by, and I haven't punched anyone who has used the "G" word around me, so I think I'm doing alright. I just never know how to answer, "Are you excited to graduate?" Yes, no, most times, sometimes...that in itself is an overwhelming question that I haven't yet answered.
I'm still looking for tips on changing mentality of "I just have to get through this list" to "look at all the fun things I get to do!" I don't want to miss my fourth year, I have classes with Profs that I like, I live in the same city with friends whom I love, and I'm doing things that I enjoy. So how do I slow down this crazy ride? First I have to breath out the air I just breathed in.
A new song in my life is by New Wine. It is called "God I look to You".
Some of the lyrics are as follows:
"God I look to you
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to you
You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom, You know just what to do."
I'm not there yet. I am overwhelmed, and my vision to put things into perspective is pretty clouded. I know that I need to be overwhelming my troubles with my faith. I know that being this overwhelmed isn't healthy, and I know that I will get through everything that I have to do. I just have to live life one tiny footstep at a time, because beautiful are the feet are those that bring good news. I can and I will find joy in this feeling of being overwhelmed.
 |
| Image courtesy of Google.ca |
Annie, as I was reading your post, I was feeling 2 things:
ReplyDelete1. I wish I could be there to give you a hug.
2. I know how you feel. Remember what a mess I was when I lived across from you? Thank God, I had a great neighbour :)
I don't know how much advice I have to offer, but if we were together, I'd say these things to you:
What you're feeling is TOTALLY normal; you are not alone. You WILL make it through, you WILL graduate. I'm guessing you're probably being too hard on yourself. You will do great on those tests. And if you're feeling like you don't want to give 100%, that's okay. One of the best things someone said to me in my fourth year, "Amanda, you have always given your best effort. You always turn in "A" quality work. What's the worst thing that will happen if you do "B+" quality work this year and focus on having fun?" Don't get me wrong, I still wanted those A's but like you, I was overwhelmed and wanted to enjoy my last year. Giving myself permission to (still try and work hard!) be okay with "B" work led to my fourth year being (for the most part) my favourite year. I had time to relax, hang out with friends, make new friends (one of whom was you), and pine over "Wolf" :) And guess what, I still made mostly A's :)
I promise you, Annie, that if you do your best, it will be good enough. In fact, it will be better than good enough!
Another piece of advice: Don't be shy about asking for help! Or telling people exactly how you're feeling. That's one of the most important lessons I learned in my fourth year. And I would NOT have made it through in one piece (or had as much fun), if I hadn't been open and honest with friends, professors, family, and boys.
And I don't want to scare you or make you feel pressure, but the only regret I have about my fourth year, even after everything I've already said, is that I wish that I had enjoyed it MORE. I definitely shouldn't have taken things as seriously as I did or worried as much as I did. Academically and socially.
A motto that I and some of my friends adopted that year: "Everything always gets done." And it does.
Enjoy it. Time really does fly.
Also, I SO WISH that we could get together for a coffee date and talk about all this. And if there's ever something I can do, maybe the online equivalent of making a paper bag lunch, please let me know!
ReplyDeleteAnnie, I can completely relate. I'm really looking forward to our friend-date this Friday afternoon. Like a ridiculous amount because I haven't been actually social with anyone in what feels like forever.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. If you find out how to change the mentality from "get through this" please share? I know I could use a shift in perspective too.